Gosh! The more you try to move away from something, the more it will chase you. And if it is something you love but Destiny decided that your love won't reach it and you move away from with a heart that is getting wrenched & re-wrenched, it shall appear in front of you in the most incredible of circumstances!
Here's a manuscript dated May 13, 2011. I don't remember a thing about it, why did I write it, was there any special occasion that made me happy as the man who wrote this.. I just can't remember.... Why didn't I post it then? How come I don't remember anything about it? In fact except for the emotions expressed, I would've denied writing it. But yes these were my moments I'd lived as the king of the world.
Times change. People change. Priorities change. But I have to be honest with these moments, with the emotions that made me so happy. It's like your child. You created it. No matter what happens, you can't dent it. You can lie to yourself, to the entire world, you can cheat every possible thing that has been Created, but you can't be dishonest with your own Creation! You decided to create it. You did create it, it became a truth in life.
Perhaps the only thing about which you can assert your right even in front of Creation itself, is your own creation.
Be it a life, be it a thought, be it a word that came out of the deepest depth of your heart. Because it would be representing you when you won't be there. The only truth about the fact that you had been.
Well I am posting it with a smile, the smile that appears in your face when you perceive everything as an irony and an emotion would simply refuse to come to take care of you.
Why does Irony make one smile? Perhaps you do find everything as a part of a script, and nothing happens out of line. And at times you realize that giving truth a shape can be the same as burying it. You find it funny.
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Dated : 13/05/2011
A few days back Priyanka just took a picture, of me and Maya -- both of us, while being engrossed in each other and whispering to each other to share our classified secrets, were completely oblivious of 'The Outside', turned towards the photographer when she said - "just turn".. Maya turned two on 20th.April.
As I looked at the picture, and memories, two years old, rushed through my mind, leaving me a bit overwhelmed too. It was 10 days after Maya was born that I reconnected with the batch of '87, with you all. I was an insecure father then, a rookie who took slow, gawky steps towards the realization that I had a new 'job', a new 'responsibility' -- something which used to keep me edgy and tentative all the time. I used to get taut suddenly, every time I heard the world telling me in blow-hot blow-cold whispers,
-- "ok you are a father now Ani".
That reconnection moulded my life drastically. Maybe Destiny had kept planned for me, a phase of 'Respite' during that phase of my life -- Maya being born, and me reconnecting with people who used to be classmates, whose hearts and minds were pleasantly new for me. I still have this underlying feeling that these were people I didn't know earlier, and they all came in a rush to greet me back into a normal happy life -- something which had always enticed me to dream anew, only to disappear once again just when I was settling down with reassurance -- reacting to which I stopped dreaming once upon a time.
I felt complete. All the gaping lacunae in me, through which all the good things kept on slipping (some of which I had let slip helplessly). All of them seem to complement me, filling up each lacuna in some way or the other, giving the facet of my newly gained fatherhood a sense of completeness.
I remember reading a book "FATHER and DAUGHTER"? Maya was a little more than a month old. I remember being alone at home, with Priyanka still at her mother's place in Pune with a newborn Maya. I kept on dreaming as I read the beautifully simple words through the pages.. now each time I read the book, I realize how it had kept me silently inspired , and I seem to discover my own self in the father who had written the book. Nothing can be more close to the reality of happiness that the book keeps treasured for me..
Can anything ever get better than this? I feel so humbly blessed -- the same life, a stretch of which I had just trudged along because I had nothing else constructive to do, I didn't have anybody to live for, one for whom I'd work hard to give happiness. I was never a 'strong man with masculine confidence'.(I guess I can never be one). It's just that I had never been a quitter ( I guess I'm trying to sugar- coat the stubbornness, the suppressed arrogance and the desperate anger, inherent facets which I have never really tried to get rid off, because I never really regretted them)..
And so I just kept living each day without asking questions about the absence of a pivot, around which I would live to work towards a goal. Each day from February 2000 to May 2007- the 31st. to the 38th.decade of my life still seem the same, I don't remember any prominent event to recount a special date in this period. Then of course I 'ran' into Priyanka, in the most dramatic of circumstances.. [ I'll recount the Romance of my life some other day.. :-) ]
I guess I got off-track..coming back to the 'self-centered' self of mine [ just count the number of 'I's 'I' have written above and you will feel me justified in my self- mockery :-) ]
I'm just being honest, just laying bare the facts of my recent past. And it's not a formal acknowledgment of anything. It's just incidental that you have just become inherent parts of the reality of my life. I've interacted with you publicly and in privacy, and it's all about sharing my own reality here, of times remote or recent, so I couldn't have written otherwise.
Today I'm a happy father and a husband, and even in my worst moments of the occasional day that finds the moon a rare blue, is never forlorn of hope. And that is why I want to live my life to the full, and want to make the entire distance, collecting more and more happiness to gift and share with Priyanka and Maya, making sure no step takes a short cut and every effort arises out of a peace so perfect, that emanates from Honesty. No matter what.
I hope to do something good for persons I haven't yet come across, taking that extra step to give a little respite of happiness for those who need or deserve. My life tells me to. Maya tells me to. Just like life urged me to write down these disjointed thoughts to each one of you, that seem to be connected with a vagueness I can't understand. Not that I want to.
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Did I give birth to it? Or did I write an elegy on its epitaph? No idea. Anybody?
Sent from my BlackBerry --------------------------------------------- Dr.Anirban Chaudhuri, Physician, Mumbai, India. http://jogyou963.blogspot.com Live Life on your own terms
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